This is an archived copy of a post written by Conflict Of Justice (conflictofjustice.com). Used with permission: Conflict Of Justice may not agree with any alterations made.
The moment I stepped into the Single’s Ward, I knew it was going to be a problem. I remember muddling from sacrament meeting to Sunday school, talking to nobody and getting nothing out of it. The next day, I went to a ward game of ultimate frisbee. But I soon left after one of the three guys who were actually playing elbowed me in the eye and didn’t even notice. I was supposed to have a close relationship with these people, but I didn’t know them and I didn’t care about them.
Assertiveness
One problem was that there was no criteria or schedule to follow. I was the kind to wait for opportunities to come to me, or at least suggestions on which path to pursue, but in the single’s ward opportunities didn’t come. It’s a point in your life where suddenly girls do not ask you on dates, employers do not ask you for interviews, and guys do not ask you to be friends. The question of assertiveness affects our testimonies as well. Many church members at this point in their lives complain that the church does not give easy answers to their issues. Part of it has to do with this lack of assertive attitude, and then they feel impotent when no guidance is given. We grew up surrounded by mentors, positive encouragement, and endless opportunity for growth, and then suddenly all that stops, and we simply do not have the character to make it on our own.
It reminds me of a time in Boy Scouts when I camped the night on a field before rafting down a river. My scout leader warned about rattlesnakes in this field. Being afraid of snakes, I checked my sleeping bag before getting in. I imagined a snake slithering in, and jumped at every noise in the night. The hours ticked by and the sky grew dark, and then slowly light again as the next day approached. It was early morning before I fell asleep. I had no fear of the class three rapids I would face on the river, yet a ridiculous fear of snakes kept me up until finally I was too tired to care and fell asleep, and when I awoke I was tired. This describes my experience in the Single’s Ward as well. I had irrational social fears that prevented me from behaving as I naturally should have, and then as time went by I stopped caring so much until finally I just went on lots of dates and proceeded with my life. Now, I have no problem handling snakes and sleeping outside.
It is fear of consequences. Standing up on a high dive above a swimming pool can either be terrifying or thrilling. But now, when there is something I don’t want to do because it is uncomfortable, I do it for the sake of feeling uncomfortable. One of the most rewarding experiences of my life was the first time I stood on a wood crate in a German city and preached the gospel to cold crowds of Germans scurrying by. Several years ago, I took a job at a call center, and if you had asked me what is the number one job I didn’t want to do, that would have been it. It was painful but I started to enjoy it. We are conditioned by popular culture to seek comfort, but in the church we often seek uncomfortable activities in order to develop assertiveness. We go on missions, minister to ward members, fast from food and drink, etc. Perhaps next Fast Sunday as we withhold the comfort of food from our bodies, it would be worth it to ponder and think of something uncomfortable that we need to do to train ourselves to act and be less acted upon. The church member who lost his testimony–he needs to learn independent research and spiritual pursuit, to act and not be acted upon. The single man who can’t get up the courage to ask girls out on dates–he needs to take charge of his life, his character, and his circumstances, to act for himself and not be acted upon.
Many men look enviously at that chad roommate at BYU who effortlessly talks to girls. But I don’t think courtship is easy for anyone–maybe it comes naturally to some people but for most it is a learned trait. The difference is they no longer fear consequences. They have taught themselves to feel thrill instead of terror, and embrace what is uncomfortable. You can alter your personal character so that you no longer expect opportunities to come to you. In all areas of life–with education, employment, socializing, hobbies, spirituality, etc.–we can train ourselves to seek out opportunities assertively, and then figure out our own independent strategies to get what we want. We can truly gain control over our lives.
Confidence
The problem with confidence is that it grows from achievement and achievement comes from confidence. How does this cycle start? It’s like the chicken and the egg, you’ve got to start somewhere. If your parents are millionaires, maybe you can get a guaranteed spot in Harvard, no problem. Then you can get married and a nice job with little effort. But most of us do not descend from the aristocracy. Some say the aristocracy pushes the rest of us away from achieving the American dream, conditioning us to lack confidence and vision, so that we are not be a threat to their power structure. It is human nature to be competitive. It’s how society has always been. Perhaps this is why the news media tries so hard to convince us not to get married and have children. I’m not saying this resentfully. Rather, I find this personally liberating. We can be less hard on ourselves when we realize the cards are stacked against us. And it isn’t hopeless. Yes, we are targeted by anti-family propaganda and yes they push us down, but there is still a road to success. Marriage is not something that is outlawed, and there is no feudal national policy in place preventing you from building your own successful personal business. You just need to know that there are powerful people out there who don’t want you to succeed. There are also evil spirits working on the other side of the veil to pull you down.
Remove Dependencies – So, you have to figure out how to become confident even though you have no success stories to tell. It’s got to start somewhere. The normal thing for people to use some sort of security object or drug. Men and women routinely use alcohol to calm their nerves and boost confidence before they walk into the club or job interview. Well, Latter-Day Saints don’t drink alcohol. We don’t even drink coffee to wake up in the morning. Rather than hinder the pursuit of confidence, I think this helps us, because it means we don’t have a crutch to lean on. You don’t really have confidence if you use a drug to feel confident. It is just another dependency that prevents the independence necessary for confidence. I also think that these things hurt our efforts rather than help. Yet most young adults in America walk around with a Starbucks straw in their mouth, like some kind of pacifier infants use to feel comfort. Go ahead, take a look next time you are in a public place. How many people have a straw or bottle in their mouths? Well, we Latter-Day Saints don’t become dependent on anything to feel confident. Yet there are other security blankets for confidence which even Latter-Day Saints regularly use, isn’t there? Smart phones, in-group behavior, etc. If you really study people’s behavior, people use security blankets all the time to feel confident. The problem is people who use alcohol to approach a potential mate are just ignoring everything that makes them lack confidence, and it comes back to bite them eventually. If we reduce our dependencies and the amount of things we “need” in life, we can be more confident about our achievements. What do you need in life? Our material comforts and emotional involvements are tools, and we should never let our tools control us.
Treat Yourself Well – Pay attention to the inner dialogue in your head. If you were to write down on paper everything you said to yourself, would it be complimentary? Would it be kind? You need to treat yourself how you want to be treated, and that is where it all starts: the voice in your head. You will probably feel silly and childish talking to yourself nicely, like you are coddling yourself, but a more positive and uplifting thought process towards yourself is where confidence starts. It is also where positive behavior toward other people starts.
One time, I was sitting up on the stand during fast and testimony meeting (my bishop asked me to sit up there due to my calling), and a tiny 17 year old girl I had never seen before walked up trembling like a leaf. She was talking to herself in a tiny voice as she approached, assuring herself, “I can do this. I can bear my testimony. I can do this.” It was bizarre. But later when I met her, I discovered that she had immense courage. She had made incredible life choices that I never could have made. When she turned 18, she told me she was certain she would get married before the year was out, even though she was single. And she did. I think it was because of the positive encouragement she gave herself. She paid attention to how she treated herself and loved herself enough to give only positive reinforcement. Maybe a lot of those achievements she didn’t believe she could achieve, but she just told herself she could and then she did. There is no personal trainer walking around with you in life, giving you positive encouragement, no guru or admirer–so you need to do it for yourself. Start with something, anything, about yourself that you can love.
Pray For Affirmation – Prayer can invite encouragement from the Holy Ghost as we specifically request it. We pray all the time for resources and help for things we want, but how often do we ask for affirmation that we can do it? That we are worthy? That we deserve it? These have been the most rewarding prayers for me, because I instantly get the affirmation I need and my spirit is invigorated. Heavenly Father will not act as a crutch in the place of our self-confidence, but He will always give us encouragement when it is asked for. What better encouragement can we get than from ourselves and from God?
A good example of this is D&C 121: God’s response to Joseph Smith as he sat miserable in a dank prison. God provided the comfort he needed, the assurance that he enemies would get what’s coming to them, and the affirmation that eventually justice would eventually provide the rewards he deserved. “How long can rolling waters remain impure?” We are just living in a moment and the essence of our long-term lives will be made manifest when these impurities on their own filter out of our lives. Faith and charity will make our “confidence wax strong” and priesthood “shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.” This faith begins with a person believing in himself, and charity begins with him loving himself.
Mold Yourself – What would it look like if you made a quick internet profile of yourself with a photo, brief history, character traits, and life achievements? How great would you sound to a potential life partner? I found it is important to look at yourself from the outside in, and to be brutally honest about it. In order to improve, a person needs to recognize what he is and yet still love himself. This is necessary for repentance and for any kind of development. Your inner dialogue can’t ignore or gloss over the facts as they stand. This can be a very uncomfortable exercise, but at least it will let you know what you lack and what you need to develop to attract a good woman or whatever it is you want to achieve. It can also shift your perspective, as issues you thought were important aren’t actually important, and things you didn’t even notice are what’s keeping you down. It doesn’t hurt to get some input from friends to help build this profile (try to discern their true opinion rather than what they are saying to be nice.)
Next, envision an image of what you should become. This should not be a perfectionist vision. Be realistic, but also push it beyond what you think you can achieve. Try to make it based on purely functional reasoning. For example, a nice job gives stability and allows you to provide a family with a secure future. You don’t get a nice job just for the sake of having a nice job. What good utility do all of these traits serve to make you a better person? There needs to be a reason for why an achievement or character trait is something that will get you a wife or whatever it is you want.
Then, plan a strategy for how to attain these traits. Go to the gym four times a week, make a study schedule for college, save up for a nice car, get training for computer programs, read classic literature, watch Youtube videos about communication skills, etc. Write down what you want to achieve and your plan for how to get there. Many of these activities can carom multiple goals at once, so it doesn’t take much. It could be a list of just nine or ten things, but the more detailed you can schedule the activities and implement them now, the better momentum you will generate.
This is an exercise I started doing and it has given me much more control over my life. This is something I’ve actually noticed prophets do the scriptures. 1 Nephi chapter 6 is a short chapter that most people skim over, but it is actually incredibly poignant because Nephi explains how he was inspired by the wisdom of the brass plates to create his own plates. He developed a vision for the kind of man he would become. From time to time, Nephi gave himself encouragement and reminded himself of that vision. What if we did that for ourselves? Created our own scripture. Established our own vision for ourselves and our posterity, and then kept of record of daily progress?
Study Your Appearance – Something I found helpful for this exercise was to study myself in the mirror and really care about how I look. My two front teeth had been knocked out when I was four years old, and because of that I always hated the way I looked when I smiled. So as a youth I smiled with my mouth closed, which looked even goofier. This led me to just disregard how I looked completely. I dressed alright as a teenager and practiced good grooming, but I didn’t really consider my image. It wasn’t until after serving a mission when I was a full grown man that I noticed my image in the mirror and really studied it. And I liked what I saw. I was shocked to discover a good looking, strong, intelligent man. A major crossroads in the effort to gain confidence and improve character is when you truly find yourself beautiful. Again, you have got to love yourself for what you are now in order to make it better.
If people are honest, they will tell you that they look for indicators of success to judge a person by. In the Single’s Ward, these cues indicate whether a person has their life in order or at least a plan to get their life in order: a good job, good education, a car, not living at home, a cheerful countenance, nice clothes, etc. As you imagine what kind of person a potential life partner wants, think of practical reasons why certain things are indicators of success. Isn’t it reasonable for a woman to want her man to have a well-paying job to provide for the family? Isn’t it reasonable for a woman to want a man who is encouraging to others and displays kindness to be the father of her children? Of course, not everything makes sense. Other indicators are products of popular culture. But fortunately, people in the church are mostly reasonable in their standards of success. It is easy to be hard on ourselves when we look in the mirror and see someone who we think no woman should ever want, but fortunately people in the church are very forgiving and will accept us if we only have a plan for getting our lives in order. This allows a man to get married while in college, and it applies in other areas too. If you go through the exercise of recognizing what you are, imagining what you want to be, and implementing a plan to get there, it will show in your countenance and you can start having successful relationships now.
Unfortunately for me, it took a while before I realized it is important how I dress. It is very important. Other leading indicators are your poise, posture, speech, and how you walk. Head up, shoulders back, eyes meeting people’s gazes. It is surprising how things you consider liabilities and faults turn out to be alright if you display them unabashedly and take control of your own frame. It’s like that girl in Mean Girls who wore a shirt with holes in it, and then the next day everyone wore shirts with holes in them. Regardless of what others think, what popular culture says, and what you were taught by the world to believe, this is how you are. Now, it is important not to make the world conform to your imperfection or immoral standards, like so many people these days try to do. That’s an indicator of fear and weakness, when you can’t admit something to yourself and demand society to conform to you. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about defining yourself and proudly displaying yourself in a frame of your own making.
Be Positive – Your external image must be positive, positive, positive. If you recorded everything you said for a day and listened to it, would you hear someone you want to be around? I know, we all hate people who act fake, and there are plenty of people who act fake, but maybe there is some value to the Disney saying, “If you can’t say something nice don’t say it at all”? Maybe faking a positive attitude is not such a bad thing. I know, I know–the mainstream media portrays bleach-blonde Desperate Housewives who plaster a fake smile on their face, and this is something “Mormons” routinely get stereotyped as. It certainly is unhealthy if we are deluding ourselves and not trying to improve our situation. But we are not deluding ourselves and we are working to improve our situation. I think this starts by forcing ourselves to be grateful even if there doesn’t seem to be much to be grateful for. It starts by no longer blaming others for problems in our lives, even if they are guilty. Resentment and blame prevent us from taking control over our life circumstances, so just suck it up, because by assuming responsibility you are assuming control. Recognize what others are doing but try to take responsibility. If life sucks and everything is going wrong, we can still gather up a grateful outlook and stop blaming others. We can force ourselves to be a person pleasant to be around. There will always be no shortage of haters who try to pull you down, and you need to stop relying on their affirmation to become a powerful, assertive man.
If it seems like people are attracted to negativity, it is only if it is ironic negativity. Millenials are all about being ironic. This negativity is presented in a way that gives them an outlet to laugh at the negativity in their own lives. I think that’s why people don’t like fake positivity. It makes it harder for them to address their own crap they are dealing with. When confronting the tragedies of life you have to either laugh or cry. Real raw emotion needs to find a vehicle for expression in other people, but they do not want a vehicle that drives toward further pain (unless they have emotional issues.) They want a man who has experienced the pains of life and risen above it, a man who has answers, a man who is not afraid of life’s dark realities and who does not run away from them, but a man who transforms the darkness into light with his presence.
Get Involved With The Single’s Ward
In many Single’s Wards I’ve been in, the majority of people show up to activities and hide quietly in the corner. I mean, this is better than not showing up at all, but it doesn’t seem to get them anywhere. A man cannot afford to be uninvolved, unless he is a chad who has a striking appearance and garrulous attitude. But for me, I quickly learned that I need to volunteer for things, embrace my ward calling, and do ministering. Ministering makes you care about the group and nudges you toward a position of leadership. The cliche adulation elder’s quorum presidents always seem to receive is reasonable and functional: he is less likely to play video games all day and will perform the annoying tasks that a father needs to do. It’s a difficult calling that requires dedication. It’s leadership and it is masculine. I found that when I started being dutiful in my ministering, it affected multiple other areas in my life as well, making me more successful and happy. Involvement and leadership in the community will greatly help what you get out of it. This is why it is necessary to make friends with the other men, care about the quorum, and spend time with them. The priesthood quorum is a remarkable opportunity that almost nobody else in the world has to meet with like-minded men and pursue like-minded goals. I see so many guys around the internet who wish there was an uplifting group of good guys to hang out with and learn from. It is shocking to me that we don’t take more advantage of this resource.
No Porn – None. Get rid of it. That includes Game of Thrones. Porn allows sex to dominate you and then you are dependent on others. But the huge problem with porn is that it is a dependency that lessons your chances of building a rewarding relationship. Women I talk to think men who view porn are pathetic because they can’t attract a real woman–they have to go virtual because women don’t like them. This indicates the man has very low self-esteem, low confidence, low ability, and worst of all: low social status. He is the outcast of the pack. Social status is another important quality a man needs to have. Dates beget more dates because of social status. The second problem with porn is that it makes a man more likely to be controlled in other avenues of his life, especially if he has per-marital sexual relations. He is so incontinent and driven by his lusts that there is no trusting him as a leader. It’s an urge that is very strong and difficult to control, and other similar vices such as Instagram and Facebook are comparable. People who are glued to Instagram have less chances of rejection. They get plentiful responses from thousands of thirsty people seeking instant pleasure. They don’t feel judged. But it leads them to judge themselves and others in a big way. It makes them incontinent and less confident. Porn almost inevitably leads to fantastical expectations that a partner can’t realistically fulfill. Instagram and Facebook likewise leads to a facile construct of others that isn’t grounded in reality.
Latter-Day Saints are more romantically successful than pretty much anyone else in the world because of our standards. For all the glitzy images of pleasure, success, and glee that popular culture broadcasts–the dorky images of white guys when you search “Mormon” on Google, the scorn girls on Twitter express for “Mormons,” the fake propaganda alleging widespread problems in the “Mormon” community, the “progressive” philosophies about “equal love” and alternative loving relationships that we should be supportive of, free love man!… for all this, we Latter-Day Saints are much more successful. We get the happy relationships. Following worldly trends hurts your chances of success. Now, this is not just my opinion, it’s statistical fact. Young adults are experiencing a record level of celibacy as America right now. Isn’t that interesting? America is more sex-crazed than at any point in history, and yet Americans are satiating this desire the least at any point in history. The more they want it the less they get it. It’s because America is more secular than at any point in history. They have given up morals and standards of chastity, and this is creating record levels of depression, hatred, resentment, loneliness, and unhappiness. Hold to your standards, even if you have a secular progressive screaming at you for intolerance. Hold to it even if you feel bad for being judgemental. Hold to it because your life happiness is at stake, and your future posterity.
C.S. Lewis wrote in The Abolition of Man: “In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.” These issues of dating, jobs, family, etc. come down to simple cause and effect. You don’t plant a bad seed and expect good fruit. We need to set ourselves up to win by planting good seeds within ourselves. We need to climb to the top of a high dive where we have never stood before and jump having faith in the results. That girl that you would talk to if you thought you had a chance, if she didn’t always have a flock of guys orbiting around her, if you had something to show for yourself, if you were better at talking to people–just do it now. Make a schedule of things to develop in yourselves and start improving them, yet still, go up and talk to her now.
Boyd K. Packer said in the 1976 General Conference: “From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men–masculine, manly men–ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers.” Do you truly believe that the body you were born into is the optimal body for you, an artistic wonder that was crafted by God just for you? Do you believe that? I do. Do you believe that your spirit can settle into this body as a masculine, powerful, successful person? You were given the resources you need. Maybe it just takes a little time? You may feel lonely, but realize loneliness is just how things are for the moment. Loneliness makes a man cynical, and then he gets defensive, and this further prevents future connection as he is twisted into a pathetic bitter creature. If you haven’t met someone compatible, that’s alright. You can’t force compatibility with someone who isn’t really compatible. Dating for the sake of physical pleasure does not work. This is how people date in typical America–it’s a frantic hook-up–and it is why they fail. That’s not love, that’s another comfort blanket. Yes, I know the stereotypee: Mormons marry the first person they see. But actually the opposite is true. Non-members who follow popular culture hook up with total strangers and carelessly try to construct sacred and important structures on sandy soil. My suggestion is to still date, but date wisely. I started dating aggressively in the Single’s Ward, multiple dates a week, and often it was just for training, to pick up momentum. They were good girls and we had a good time. But I was also able to reach a point where I did not need it for self-worth, social proof, or confidence. I did it to enjoy myself and to find the one I was compatible with.
Well, there it is, a few of my suggestions for a man in the Single’s Ward. The Bishop and other older leaders are very helpful. I learned to take their advice seriously. Accept their mentorship and eagerly ask their counsel. Respect their priesthood, and discover the priesthood power in yourself. This was the main discovery I made in my time in the Single’s Ward–priesthood power in myself. The Single’s Ward is one of the greatest resources available to a single man for all aspects of his life, and even if it looks like the ward is a dud going no where, a man who jumps in and gets involved can transform himself and help transform those around him.